Hide and Seek

“Where are you?”

For some very strange reason, this is one of the questions many people find uncomfortable and harrowing, especially when this is asked by an intimate partner. I think God knew precisely where Adam was when He asked him this question, "where are you?" And if we really need to be honest with each other, this should be a very easy one to answer. I mean it's just 3 words thrown together in order to gain perspective of one's location. Just 3 simple words. Where. Are. You. I mean, really, nothing could be simpler.

The reality, however, is that this is a very loaded question. It’s much heavier than the 3 words that carry it.

I was chatting with my neighbour recently, and very profoundly yet randomly, we spoke about how important it is for people, particularly those in intimate or close relationships to call each other on the phone and ask that question, which many find uncomfortable, "where are you?” That discomfort, for want of a better term, is what we need to focus on.

When Adam was asked that question, he knew exactly what God was asking. A shift had occurred in their relationship and he had found himself totally displaced. So then God asked Adam to define his position in relation to Him, and that is one of the things Adam must have been running away from.

I wasn't there in the Garden of Eden and I speak with no authority on the matter, but I imagine Adam and God had an intimate relationship and friendship. So deep was their relationship (I imagine) that when God merely appeared in the garden, Adam (and Eve) hid. They just had to hide. They couldn't face him, for reasons that are obvious. An agreement had been breached, a covenant was broken. And Adam couldn’t face the aftermath and consequence of that fractured relationship.

God asks Adam a very simple question, “Where are you?”

In many ways, we continue to grapple with that question today.

In Sesotho, Sepedi or Tswana languages, when you ask a person how they are doing, you say “le kae?” The direct translation of this simple question is “where are you?” So in other words the question of how you are doing has to do with your positioning in life. Not a positioning of your physical location, but it is about your positioning in the cosmos. The appropriate and normal response to that Sesotho question is “ke teng”, which means “I am here”. I mean, isn’t this just so profound? I wish I had words and a way to really unpack how profound this is. I am here, I am present, I am integrated with my past, present and future, altogether in one place. I am not disintegrated or scattered. I am. As you see me, so I am. I am. And because I am, you can then relate with me. Ke teng.

Relationships are about constantly asking questions. Let me repeat that. Relationships are about constantly asking questions. (Pretty thick coming from a single guy ain't it). But seriously, in relationships, you’re always asking questions, especially in the early stages. It's important that you do. And one of the critical questions to ask is precisely the one which Adam dreaded being asked that horrible day. And that is the question Sesotho speaking people are asking each other today, albeit in slightly different contexts.

This might not go down well, but I’m just going to go ahead and say it: we are always hiding. That's the reality. Always hiding. We are either hiding or are hiding things. And like our forefather and foremother, we hide behind clothes and all these material things we work so hard to attain. I will work SOO HARD so that at the end of the month I can earn some money that will allow me to buy an expensive piece of clothing that I can hide under. We are so crazy about and fixated on hiding things. Call it covering up, I call it hiding.

Unlike Adam, why can’t we just stand and declare our position? Naked or not. Compromised or not. State your position.

                                                         (www.cutestpaw.com)

When my neighbour and I were discussing this concept of “where are you”, she affirmed its importance by giving an example of how even at work, she would pick up the land-line and phone a colleague on the land-line extension and go on to ask “where are you”, although it would be very obvious that if they picked up the land-line phone, they should be sitting comfortably at their desk.

In relationships, people are constantly trying to find and locate one another. We are forever seeking to know where our loved ones are, as we should.  The big thing though is that this question’s intention is not simply an attempt to determine the physical location of the person, but rather an attempt to know or perhaps have the person define their positioning as it relates to us.

Maybe it is my naiveté, but what I said to my neighbour  was that I believe any person in any sort of relationship should be able to, without any fear of prejudice, ask their partner where they are. I cannot see how you can relate to a person without knowing where they are. I can’t.  It’s not possible. And no, it’s not creepy. I’m not creepy. Really really. It’s just a matter of really trying to understand how to relate with you at that particular point.  

If, at the worst case scenario, you ask me that question and I happen to be at a compromised position like Adam was, that is all the more reason why your question should be justified. I say, ask your girlfriend that question and don’t be ashamed to. Ask your boyfriend, husband, son, daughter where on earth they are. Ask them. You must. And they must answer.

Let’s stop this thing of hiding. It is so 1920s.

Once you start struggling answering that question “where are you?” then you should really start asking yourself “where indeed am I?” Like a Sesotho speaker, are you able to confidently say “I am here”?

If not, then, as we say in the mines, makhulu problem.

In defence of Hope. Fathers matter

By Sibo Lefalatsa

You will remember that Livhuwani introduced me to you all by referring to a talk I gave about the place of men in the family. The place of course is here, there, everywhere, wherever your family needs you and wherever you have something to give, it’s not a place per se it’s a presence.

I have a love for this topic because I’ve often felt unique in my experience, while many spoke of their grandmothers I spoke of my grandfather. I’m a mother, with a second on the way, there is no doubt my kids need me, no one doubts the need for a mom but I am a big advocate for dads, that the love that exists between them and their children should be respected. I’ll take it a step further, I actively push for it, I just want my hubby to be able to be himself and his son to just know him, they’ll work out the rest themselves. Let’s be honest, in our communities, in the way people speak, both men and women, men are encouraged to be these hovering entities who perform a role instead of being allowed to just be there, chilling, laughing, playing, bored, excited, interested, tired, annoyed.

So that’s why I want to share just two of my favourite memories of my dad and grandfather, just for the heck of it, they just happened to be there and made these memories happen.

First memory:

It’s the day before my wedding, 7 years ago, the church grannies have arrived in their numbers to help prepare me for this momentous undertaking. Seated around me and each given an opportunity to leave me with a word for the journey. Lo, it was about 1 and half hour of negativity.

“Marriage is tough, you are now about to enter a life of misery and tears”

“Men are cheats, all of them, oh your man is a Mosotho? Well prepare, Sotho men in particular are the biggest cheats, they have a certificate in cheating”  J

“You’ll wet your pillow with your tears, that’s how tough it is, but yes please make sure to do so quietly. There’s no need for the man to know you’re upset with his mom”.

“A man is a crocodile, what you’ll be sleeping next to in bed is a crocodile!”

“You modern women, your husband’s are afraid of you, we’ll tell you what they want, they want you to wear dresses not pants and if you do insist on these trends cover your butt with a long top”

It went on and on…

Then, suddenly my dad stood, he’d been there all along but I hadn’t noticed him in the cacophony of misery. My dad, normally does not do the emotion thing, he’s the guy you go to for the “go to school, do well at school, toughen up, you can do it” type of dad. I go to him for the “300” or “Braveheart” just before an epic war moments rah rah rah!!!!!! talks, he will get you off your, oh poor me moment and get you ready to kick some serious butt! Defeat? What is that?

That guy, stood up amongst those grannies and said “S’bo, you deserve to be happy in marriage. If we  believed that we were sending you off to misery we wouldn’t do it. Please believe that you can be happy and we want you to be happy”

I love this. I live by this. That he stood up right there and then, not waiting to talk to me in private afterwards, that he spoke directly against what they said. My Hope was restored. What those women said may seem funny, 7 years later, but they did affect the way I saw Hape and not in a good way. Can you build something walking in with that kind of hopelessness, anger, distrust? Sure you may be preparing me for what might actually happen, but it also might not.

My dad, I suppose being a man was a little wounded by such assumptions and I’m glad for it. I understood, I had to give my hubby a chance and I wasn’t being sold into slavery. My family, not knowing for sure either, Hoped for me a happy marriage. That was all I needed to hear, misery is not a given, defeat is not inevitable, I can fight for mine and my family’s happiness, we could try.

My nature is a fighting nature, I’m not naturally inclined to endurance. Give me a fighting chance and I’m up for it, and that’s what my dad gave me with those words

Second memory:

It’s a little over 2 years ago, not long before my grandfather passed away and we are in Durban for our regular family visits and hubby and I are sitting chatting away with my grandfather and then he points to a Mfeka family portrait that now includes hubby and our son and says to my husband 

“That’s my pride, that picture. I’m very proud of this girl, I’m very proud of her”. And then he carried on with whatever he was talking about, I can’t remember.

You know I’ve found, sometimes to my own amusement, that I’m not the kind of person who needs constant affirmation of self, in fact I’m pretty good at affirming myself, thanks. I mean I appreciate it, if I can get it, but I have a tiny group of people who occupy my inner space. I often wonder why that is, especially whenever someone has commented on my attitude. My perception is that one of the main reasons for that is that I got all the affirmation I ever needed or will ever need, from men I loved dearly and who loved me even more.

When my grandfather was at death’s door, I was anxious to drive to KZN asap. I was certain, given how close we were he’d wait for me before he left. He didn’t…

I searched for feelings of disappointment at this betrayal of our close friendship, and there was none. He had said everything there was to say, the day he told me and my hubby of his pride in me, a pride I thought I already knew and yet it meant so much more to hear him actually say it. To the extent that Sibo was concerned, the man had done his business and there was nothing to chase after him for.

So potential dads, this is why you need to fight tooth and nail to be present as yourselves not personas for your daughters and sons (and their mothers, we need a lot love to darn it J):

Growing up and even now, when a man or woman, anyone really, but especially men insult or mock me or try to bully me, I always think, “I’m loved by men who sacrificed a lot for me and my wellbeing, I would never, on God’s green earth insult them by taking your word for who I am over their word, I have far too much respect for them.”

I’m not saying that every child growing up with dads and grandfathers thinks like me or that without dads they can’t be confident and strong. I’m not even saying everyone should be so self-assured…actually no they should, every woman deserves to be self-assured, not just that bombastic “we’re all beautiful” talk, I mean we’re not all beautiful and we’re not all beautiful all the time, so what?...

I mean real self-assurance, based on receiving the unearned love and pride of God your Father and God-willing, the love and pride of a father here on Earth.

I’m just sharing a story, that’s all. If you as a man knew that there is a chance, even a small chance in the midst of the world’s madness, that you could give that kind of self-love and self-assurance to your son or daughter, wouldn’t you do it?

Well now you know…

Peter Pan does not live here....

By Sibo Lefalatsa

I am going to tell you something that will blow your mind.

I’m smart, no not kinda smart, no not smart only from studying for my exams from neat lecture notes and scoring an A. I mean smart smart, business savvy and strategic in my dealings. I’ll call you out on a statement that is not well thought out. You can ask any of my friends, I brook no quarter. I’m not ashamed of that, in fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I won’t hide the fact that I am smart from your relatives or your friends, it is what it is.

I’m also funny, I’m actually very funny. Not funny like, I don’t know where on the map the North-West Province is, no I mean, I’m funny because I know stuff (I read a lot of books) and I love teasing people. I do banter well. You don’t like being wittingly teased by a woman? That’s a shame….for you, because if I meet you and we have a conversation it’s going to happen to you, I like it when it’s done to me too. Oh and I must add I’m not ashamed of that, in fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I won’t hide the fact that I do it from your relatives or your friends, it is what it is.

There are many things I won’t hide from your relatives or friends, I won’t hide my job, my title, my personality. I just won’t, because I don’t want your people’s confidence to be paid for by my lies. If you have a problem with me, begin a process of working on your issues, or dump me, but don’t try and control what people know about me, be free about that stuff.

You know what else, look at me (okay look at my profile pic) am I wearing a green top, green tights and a pointy green hat? No? You know why? Because I don’t suffer from a Peter Pan complex. I’m grown and I like that. I don’t have my 19 year old innocence or my 19 year old naiveté and I don’t suffer from a child-like need for acceptance, so I’ll ask you tough questions, I’ll be very direct with you, as adults do and I expect a reasoned and intelligent response. You know why? Because you won’t dismiss me like that.

You’re probably wondering why so heavy Sibo? Who sucked the sugar out of your lollipop?

 It all started 2 weeks ago and I must tell you, I’m pissed.

Answer me this, why do people in this country find it so easy to talk down to women? I’ll give you the two particular incidences that got me annoyed.

I was watching eNCA and Nkepile Mabuse was interviewing the newly appointed Minister of Women. They were discussing the disgusting scourge of abuse against women. Nkepile asked why the department was not undertaking research to have a better understanding of the causes and possible solutions to this abuse. The Minister said that while it’s true that they have not done that research and they can’t explain the disgusting situation we are living under as South African women, she felt that women must empower themselves, because, of the cases she mentioned where women were killed by their boyfriends, those women should have walked away from those abusive relationships before they were killed.

You know what, I’m going to take some time to vomit, but just before I do that, let me say this, no woman, no matter how dumb she is, deserves to be killed by her partner. Why I didn’t leave is irrelevant. In fact let me put it to you this way. Those black men fed to pigs by their white boss (remember that horrific story?) did you think to ask their families why they didn’t walk away from their abusive racist boss before he fed them to pigs!!!!

 I will leave you to think about why you wouldn’t ask such an irrelevant and insensitive question and then realise how offensive it is for people to talk about women who should’ve walked away from abusive relationships after they’ve been abused and killed.

The next annoyance came during a radio show interview of a number of successful business women. These were not your average South African woman (who of course is not a successful multi-millionaire businesswoman). One of the ladies, said something along the lines of, you may be a CEO at work but you’re not a CEO at home. She also said cooking for your family is not abuse, anyway you can do it while drinking a glass of wine.

Whatever.

Firstly, no one needs to tell me I’m not a Corporate and Legal Affairs Manager at home just like my husband is not an Operations Manager at home (okay technically he is, but that’s cos he’s really good at managing operations J). Actually, I’m also the legal manager at home, because people, hubby, brothers, friends, parents come to me with business and/or legal questions and I apply my 9 years of high-level legal and corporate training in advising them, so there!

If I am bossy, that’s me don’t try to cut me down by suggesting I only discovered the ability to boss you around when I became CEO, anyway does it bother you that I’m a CEO? If not why do you care where I’m CEOing? Where have you ever heard of a man being told he is not a CEO at home?

Secondly and this might seem minor, of course cooking is not abuse, but it also depends. Maybe I can’t afford domestic help, I’m the breadwinner and I work long hours and I consistently have people waiting for me to cook. This is an unreasonable expectation and I don’t blame anyone living this circumstance believing it to be abusive. We are women but we’re not all living similar lives and yes a seemingly minor thing to me may be part of a series of burdens for you which take their toll. Basically, each woman will decide what they believe to be burdensome. I refuse to be told what should aggrieve me, old as I am.

Why would the Minister be so bold as to address me (a woman) when she doesn’t even know why the perpetrators of sexual abuse and murder do what they do? Does she think that highly of rapists and murderers that she would lecture me about when I should walk away from them instead of addressing their filthy conduct?

Why would someone, be so bold as to lecture me about how my profession should influence relations in my house and what chores I should be prepared to do, in my house?

I’ll tell you why, we are too accustomed to thinking that women are essentially child-like and need constant lecturing to remember themselves. We seem to also believe it’s okay to place the responsibility of having decent stable societies at the feet of women. We act as if the world’s problems can be solved by women behaving themselves, by us protecting our sons’ egos and generally insisting that women make life easier for everyone else, they are strong and they are nurturers aren’t they? They must also get out of the way of criminals, because they’ve spent all their lives being told to protect their virginity and virtue, they should be used to being held responsible for the consequences of indiscretion.

Well here’s my response… I’m not listening.

My strength and my ability or willingness to nurture will not be taken advantage of. It is not a ticket to expect me to labour under abuse, neglect or used to help maintain unfair power relations in my personal relationships. I’m not here to make any man or woman feel comfortable when there’s nothing to be comfortable about, I am not going to squeeze and bend myself out of shape to help you be more comfortable in life. I’m not ashamed of my life, my accomplishments or my job. I aim to be a decent and respectful person and I expect the same level of decency and respect from men and women to be addressed towards me and I don’t tolerate situations where I’m not afforded that respect and decency. If you’re looking for a 30 year old woman-child that you can scold and bully, please try the next door… I hope you find another woman who has had enough!