By Sibo Lefalatsa
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I have this tendency, of saying something and then getting
funny looks. I don’t get it. I was talking to a colleague when we discussed
something about being married and I ended a sentence with the words, “I’m not
perfect and I don’t have to be”. The Shock The Horror. Honestly, what is
shocking about a wife admitting she’s not perfect and doesn’t think less of
herself for it?
It’s like that Tastic ad where they say we moms might not be
the best this or that but at least we make the best meals through Tastic. Uhm,
well in many ways I’m not those things and it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve
never looked at a mother who can sew her child’s clothes and thought, ooh I
should really be a better mom. No, my child won’t wear torn clothes through the
mechanisms available to me and his father. My mother didn’t sew anything other
than buttons and hemlines, so what? She’s awesome.
Then you get this thing where celebrity women who’ve been
married for a day, keep being asked for secrets to marriage. They’ll tell you
all sorts of things, and it seems to be implied that there is a one size fits
all, that you as a woman should do or stop doing for a happy marriage.
Newsflash, marriage is a relationship between two people, the connection that
those two people have is unique to them. What works for one couple, will not necessarily
work for another and sometimes it’s not practical, for that couple.
Many people who have been married for long actually don’t
know why they have been married for so long, when they think back to the times
when it nearly came to an end but by the grace of God it didn’t. They also know
there will be another crisis and who knows what that crisis is and how it will
be resolved. You can’t really believe that there are people sitting smugly
thinking that the only difference between us and the couple that didn’t make
it, is because we’re really awesome.
A long time ago while at Wits, I was having a conversation
with a friend of mine. She was explaining how she had made some terrible
mistake and had been dumped for the error. She went back home and proceeded to
beg the boyfriend for forgiveness and to take her back.
Now at that time I had never had a boyfriend before and knew
nothing of the dirty business that is love. To my ears I couldn’t think of a more
demeaning situation. A woman, crawling to a guy to beg for forgiveness!
I can’t remember exactly what I said, but you know what I
thought? I thought, woman have you no
self respect? Clearly my facial expressions asked the question for me
because she responded by asking me what
I expected her to do when she had done wrong.
Here’s the thing, I had been taught to apologise when wrong like
most people, but I always assumed, having watched movies that the guy does the
chasing, begging and pleading, because he does the wrongdoing. Maybe what I really
thought was, what could she possibly have done to result in her being in such
an intolerable position where she had to beg for forgiveness?
You might think the presentation of men as the perpetual
relationship transgressors, begging and slobbering for forgiveness should be a
positive prejudice for women. You would be wrong, it isn’t, it is in fact a
trap.
There is a trap that women perpetually operate under, it’s
the perfection trap. It operates on the basis that women should be perfect,
should aim to be perfect. It implies that failing to meet these perfection
expectations means you deserve whatever abandonment, rejection and condemnation
you receive. Because you have been raised to believe that perfection is your
goal, you become child-like, perceiving all unhappiness in your life to be a
reflection of your imperfection. This stings, it stings badly, which is why
when you explain a failed relationship or an emotionally bruising argument to
friends and family you are at pains to project yourself as the innocent, long
suffering, perfect wife/girlfriend and therefore not deserving of the bad
treatment or ill fate you have experienced.
Why? Why can’t a woman accept herself for what she is and
expect the same for others. How about saying, no I’m not perfect, yes I did
make the mistake but that does not entitle anyone to treat me like crap.
I was having a conversation with my husband during which I explained
that, though I have been married for almost 8 years and have been with him for
13 years (I mean that accounts for my whole adult life, I’ve been with this
person since I was 18) however this says nothing of my worth. I don’t perceive
myself as good, as somehow well behaving because I’ve been in this relationship
for so long. Likewise if, God forbid, I were ever to be single again I wouldn’t
judge myself in that instance either. I would not be a bad person or woman just
for being once married and now a single person.
What I mean is, when I am a married woman, I have good and
bad within me and even if I were to be single I would still have good and bad
in me. I feel no pressure to present myself as striving for perfection and being
the victim of people around me as if I don’t also give as good as I get.
I am striving always to be a good person. Responsible for
the life I live and the people who are counting on me. I judge myself like I
judge my husband, he is a good person, he is not perfect, never has been. It
doesn’t make him any less worthy of love and respect. However even if he were
to cease to be my husband that does not speak to his worth as a person, he
would still be great, maybe just not great for me. Leave it at that.
These ridiculous messages
we give women that tell them always to reflect on themselves, their looks,
their humility or lack thereof, their cooking skills or lack thereof, seems to
lead to 2 things I despise in chit chat with women, either:
single women
mock and judge another woman getting married as not being good enough to get
married, often she’s seen as too ugly, or old or has a
“history” (good euphemism there
hey J);
or
married women,
when going through the ebbs and flows of marriage (you know those times when
really you keep asking yourself what the hell am I doing here?) they go on what
I call ‘a campaign”, where they
speak ad nauseum about how much they do and list every single sin the husband
has committed. When you’re done with this conversation, the guy is just the
biggest loser on planet Earth and you don’t know how you ever thought this guy
is even a human being.
The campaign seems to be aimed at gathering support for the
impending break up, it seems to say, “don’t judge me. I was perfect but this
guy is so awful he’s beyond the redemption of even a perfect woman”. The guy on
the other hand, speaks little of his own perfection but presents himself as the
victim of the wife’s imperfection.
Ladies, come on let’s cut this, say it loud and proud “I am not perfect, I make mistakes, serious
ones too sometimes. I sometimes have to apologise for being a fool, sometimes
I’m the perpetrator and I apologise and ask for forgiveness when I do so.
However, no matter the mistake, I still deserve the respect reserved for all
human beings, my imperfection is not
to be used by you to justify abusive language and abusive conduct and likewise
you don’t have to praise me or love me for my perfection. Your presence in my
life is not certification of my perfection and so you are not in a position to
retract the perfection stamp of approval. You can just love me for who and what
I am, or not…” Drops mic…
