Peter Pan does not live here....

By Sibo Lefalatsa

I am going to tell you something that will blow your mind.

I’m smart, no not kinda smart, no not smart only from studying for my exams from neat lecture notes and scoring an A. I mean smart smart, business savvy and strategic in my dealings. I’ll call you out on a statement that is not well thought out. You can ask any of my friends, I brook no quarter. I’m not ashamed of that, in fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I won’t hide the fact that I am smart from your relatives or your friends, it is what it is.

I’m also funny, I’m actually very funny. Not funny like, I don’t know where on the map the North-West Province is, no I mean, I’m funny because I know stuff (I read a lot of books) and I love teasing people. I do banter well. You don’t like being wittingly teased by a woman? That’s a shame….for you, because if I meet you and we have a conversation it’s going to happen to you, I like it when it’s done to me too. Oh and I must add I’m not ashamed of that, in fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I won’t hide the fact that I do it from your relatives or your friends, it is what it is.

There are many things I won’t hide from your relatives or friends, I won’t hide my job, my title, my personality. I just won’t, because I don’t want your people’s confidence to be paid for by my lies. If you have a problem with me, begin a process of working on your issues, or dump me, but don’t try and control what people know about me, be free about that stuff.

You know what else, look at me (okay look at my profile pic) am I wearing a green top, green tights and a pointy green hat? No? You know why? Because I don’t suffer from a Peter Pan complex. I’m grown and I like that. I don’t have my 19 year old innocence or my 19 year old naiveté and I don’t suffer from a child-like need for acceptance, so I’ll ask you tough questions, I’ll be very direct with you, as adults do and I expect a reasoned and intelligent response. You know why? Because you won’t dismiss me like that.

You’re probably wondering why so heavy Sibo? Who sucked the sugar out of your lollipop?

 It all started 2 weeks ago and I must tell you, I’m pissed.

Answer me this, why do people in this country find it so easy to talk down to women? I’ll give you the two particular incidences that got me annoyed.

I was watching eNCA and Nkepile Mabuse was interviewing the newly appointed Minister of Women. They were discussing the disgusting scourge of abuse against women. Nkepile asked why the department was not undertaking research to have a better understanding of the causes and possible solutions to this abuse. The Minister said that while it’s true that they have not done that research and they can’t explain the disgusting situation we are living under as South African women, she felt that women must empower themselves, because, of the cases she mentioned where women were killed by their boyfriends, those women should have walked away from those abusive relationships before they were killed.

You know what, I’m going to take some time to vomit, but just before I do that, let me say this, no woman, no matter how dumb she is, deserves to be killed by her partner. Why I didn’t leave is irrelevant. In fact let me put it to you this way. Those black men fed to pigs by their white boss (remember that horrific story?) did you think to ask their families why they didn’t walk away from their abusive racist boss before he fed them to pigs!!!!

 I will leave you to think about why you wouldn’t ask such an irrelevant and insensitive question and then realise how offensive it is for people to talk about women who should’ve walked away from abusive relationships after they’ve been abused and killed.

The next annoyance came during a radio show interview of a number of successful business women. These were not your average South African woman (who of course is not a successful multi-millionaire businesswoman). One of the ladies, said something along the lines of, you may be a CEO at work but you’re not a CEO at home. She also said cooking for your family is not abuse, anyway you can do it while drinking a glass of wine.

Whatever.

Firstly, no one needs to tell me I’m not a Corporate and Legal Affairs Manager at home just like my husband is not an Operations Manager at home (okay technically he is, but that’s cos he’s really good at managing operations J). Actually, I’m also the legal manager at home, because people, hubby, brothers, friends, parents come to me with business and/or legal questions and I apply my 9 years of high-level legal and corporate training in advising them, so there!

If I am bossy, that’s me don’t try to cut me down by suggesting I only discovered the ability to boss you around when I became CEO, anyway does it bother you that I’m a CEO? If not why do you care where I’m CEOing? Where have you ever heard of a man being told he is not a CEO at home?

Secondly and this might seem minor, of course cooking is not abuse, but it also depends. Maybe I can’t afford domestic help, I’m the breadwinner and I work long hours and I consistently have people waiting for me to cook. This is an unreasonable expectation and I don’t blame anyone living this circumstance believing it to be abusive. We are women but we’re not all living similar lives and yes a seemingly minor thing to me may be part of a series of burdens for you which take their toll. Basically, each woman will decide what they believe to be burdensome. I refuse to be told what should aggrieve me, old as I am.

Why would the Minister be so bold as to address me (a woman) when she doesn’t even know why the perpetrators of sexual abuse and murder do what they do? Does she think that highly of rapists and murderers that she would lecture me about when I should walk away from them instead of addressing their filthy conduct?

Why would someone, be so bold as to lecture me about how my profession should influence relations in my house and what chores I should be prepared to do, in my house?

I’ll tell you why, we are too accustomed to thinking that women are essentially child-like and need constant lecturing to remember themselves. We seem to also believe it’s okay to place the responsibility of having decent stable societies at the feet of women. We act as if the world’s problems can be solved by women behaving themselves, by us protecting our sons’ egos and generally insisting that women make life easier for everyone else, they are strong and they are nurturers aren’t they? They must also get out of the way of criminals, because they’ve spent all their lives being told to protect their virginity and virtue, they should be used to being held responsible for the consequences of indiscretion.

Well here’s my response… I’m not listening.

My strength and my ability or willingness to nurture will not be taken advantage of. It is not a ticket to expect me to labour under abuse, neglect or used to help maintain unfair power relations in my personal relationships. I’m not here to make any man or woman feel comfortable when there’s nothing to be comfortable about, I am not going to squeeze and bend myself out of shape to help you be more comfortable in life. I’m not ashamed of my life, my accomplishments or my job. I aim to be a decent and respectful person and I expect the same level of decency and respect from men and women to be addressed towards me and I don’t tolerate situations where I’m not afforded that respect and decency. If you’re looking for a 30 year old woman-child that you can scold and bully, please try the next door… I hope you find another woman who has had enough!