Healing the Family

I went to visit my parents one afternoon and my dad remarked, rather disappointed, that they had been expecting to see me the previous weekend. I responded very straightforwardly, "sorry papa, I was attending a marriage seminar". Now my dad is a man who can never hide his emotions. When he is sad, you'll notice it. Equally, when he is happy, you'll also see it. But this time when I mentioned where I had been, he had laughter written all over his face and it was very clear he was struggling to mask his amusement.

Finally, he burst out laughing as he could no longer hold back. This was all very funny to him. And I am sure that night when I left their house, I became my parents' private joke, like I usually am. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the moment I left the house, my sisters were immediately called to be told that this bachelor brother of theirs is now on a new mission, attending marriage seminars. People in my family like gossiping about each other, and over time we have all learned not to make the mistake of believing if you shared your secret with another member of the family, it would remain that way.

But to be fair, at some stage after laughing at my marriage seminar expedition, my old man did finally commend me for "preparing myself for the future" by attending marriage seminars, seeing that I'm as single as a monk. It would also be unfair of me to only paint the picture of my parents having fun at my expense for attending marriage seminars. The truth is that my folks are my biggest cheerleaders and supporters. Of that, I have not a single doubt. That's why when my dad started laughing at me I also couldn't resist laughing at how seriously I take myself sometimes.

In many ways, I love how we are able to laugh at ourselves, even in sombre circumstances. Recently, when we unveiled my biological mother's tombstone, my dad had us in stitches when he told the audience at the ceremony that regardless of how much he loved my mother, like in any marriage,  him and mom had their differences. He told us of an instance where they had had a quarrel and mom made it clear that she had had it. She was leaving. Apparently mom decided to walk out the house but only made it as far as the corner of our street. My dad teases and says he knew she wasn't serious because if she was, she would have at least packed one bag. We all laughed.

Ironically and at a more personal level, when I heard this little snippet of my parents’ squabble, I felt soothed. Let me explain why. I have mentioned elsewhere on this blog that I never knew my mother because she died when I was but a baby. So when my dad mentioned that he and mom had nothing more than a normal marriage which had its fair share of ups and downs, I felt he had managed to bring her to life in a very significant way.

Not only did he manage to bring her memory to life, he also managed to make her human. You see, because I never knew mom, in my mind she was something of an enigma, an angel, a surreal person, incapable of being angry let alone walking out on her husband during a quarrel. Dad remarried 3 years after mom died to a wonderful woman I normally refer to as my mother, because in many ways she is. Theirs is a beautiful marriage which assures me of the sanctity and importance of marriage in the building of families.

But the reason why I was fixated on my dad and late mom’s marriage and how they related is because of the direct biological and relationship I have with both of them. It was important for me to realize that marriages go through ups and downs. Disagreements are there. Quarrels happen. But after your argument, and when you've walked out in a fit of rage, it’s important that you calm down, go back and talk things through.

I am excited by the authenticity married couples around me are showing, particularly when it comes to the realities of marriage, and how possible it is to have a thriving marriage, even in the year 2014. In South Africa. Much as we lament the plight facing the institution of marriage in the country, there is a wave of optimism I’m seeing sweeping through the land. It might be small, but it’s there. Divorce might be on the rise, but there is also a new creed of openness that I think we must laud. Young black women and men are yearning for genuine and authentic talks about this institution called marriage, with the aim to restore it. And for unmarried young people, such as I am, this is tremendously important.

After Sibo’s post about marriage and the over-romanticizing in choosing life partners, it became very stark and clear judging from the responses we got, that many many young South Africans are yearning for an honest dialogue that will help us in re-building the family structure. Insofar as a platform of dialogue on these and other social issues is concerned, we are currently working on something. On this, we will keep you posted. This is an exciting time and I have never had better hope for our country than I have experienced over the last couple of weeks.

I knew an old man once. A deep, wise old man with incredible foresight and something I call “a sense of knowing”. After he came back to South Africa from exile, my friends and I would spend lots and lots of time with him at his house, learning from him, and talking about the country. Spending time with him was like a roller coaster ride. You would find yourself somersaulting from one moment laughing till your tummy ached and the next moment you would be sitting still because the room suddenly became emotionally charged.

Many times, we sat and talked, laughed and cried (yes we would) discussing  ourselves and where South Africa was headed. On certain occasions he would stand up while talking to us, and although he was still physically with us, he would be transfixed as he looked out the balcony, suddenly lost in his thoughts, kidnapped, and his mind would take him far away from us to a place only he could go. Just as quickly as he had "left" us, he would quickly come back, and simply say, “guys, I’m worried about the country”.  What he “saw” in his moment of “escape”, I cannot tell you for certain because he had gone to a different world where very few are able to go.

From time to time, I get glimpses, albeit very very small, of what I think he “saw”. At the very least, I think I understand why he would say “I’m worried about this country”. In these visits we would speak about the state of "man" in South Africa. We also interrogated each other on deep personal issues, for it is in looking into yourself, that you can be able to authentically engage with the world. And often times, he would sum things up by saying, "we are sick”. That, I know what he meant.

But one day I received a message from a friend of mine after I had been venting out my frustration about the country. She simply said, “don’t be discouraged man, God hears us and He will heal our land. He wants to”. Such comforting and encouraging words. This includes the healing of our women, our children, our men, from all strata of life. From the normal man on the street to those in power. And our families too will be healed. We are currently praying and preparing for that platform.

God will heal our land. He wants to.

"Then the LORD appeared to Solomon by night, and said to him: “I have heard your prayer, and have chosen this place for Myself as a house of sacrifice. When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among My people, if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to prayer made in this place. (II Chronicles 7:12-15 NKJV)

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