It starts with men

Men are troubled souls. We are.

When I started this blog, one of my main objectives was to unravel and interogate the real reasons why South Africa is such a troubled country. I also wanted to contribute to the dialogue on how we can help re-build and heal this beautiful nation. This remains my objective. But for that to remain an authentic and meaningful exercise, I will need to be open about myself, however taunting that may be.

I was raised in the church and I remain a dedicated Christian, flaws and all. Flaws which I never thought I had. I think that was the problem - I had a distorted view of my Christianity. I thought Christianity was about being perfect.

For all intents and purposes, I was a model pastor’s kid. At least I thought I was. I was dedicated to the things of the church; always astute to attending all my church activities and duties. And I loved serving The Lord. It brought me joy. But there was a blind spot that I neglected to keep checking. I’ll come to this in a moment. First, indulge me a little while I tell you about me…

Getting into romantic relationships can be exciting for a young adult, such as I was. But I wish I was a little bit more prepared for what I would discover. Perhaps I would have dealt with all the challenges more maturely and constructively. But that’s not for this blog.

Anyway, in general terms, relationships can be excellent mirrors. Okay, granted, if you get involved with nasty partners, you will live with a distorted view of who you are because nasty people tend to make you feel worse than you are, and if you are found lacking in self-confidence, your self-esteem will just take a nose-dive. I was fortunate, I met wonderful girls. I’m not sure if they were so lucky with me though.

It was through some of these relationships that I discovered the ugly and nasty side of my character, the blind spot I never cared to observe. It was a confusing time because my outlook on life was, in many ways, very "one-dimensional'. So I never thought a person could have so many layers in their personality. But I would soon discover, for example, that I had quite a bad temper. An explosive one.

When a quiet, modest man suddenly takes a gun and shoots his wife and children, then turns the gun on himself, people often wonder how such a nice, calm person could do such a thing. There are certainly many reasons why a man would decide to brutally end the lives of those he loves and his own, and I am no psychologist, but one of the reasons would be that he cannot face himself.

For example, when I first discovered that I possessed a not-so-clean "vocabulary", it was when I suddenly found that I could swear at a girlfriend. And I hated myself for it. Yes, I hated the fact that I had hurt her, but I think what I hated even more was the fact that I, Saint Livhu, possessed the ability to hurl insults at another person. I soon learned that I could be hurtful in more ways than I’d ever imagined. You see, I had always bargained my way in relationships using the chip that I was a good man, a “perfect” man if you will, and when I found that to be far from the truth, my world crumbled.

My natural instinct after I learned I possessed the ability to be a monster was to run away and not deal with that reality. Some men, and I say this without any empirical evidence, would resort to ending the lives of those they love. This would be because such a man can’t live with himself. Statements like “you bring out the worst in me” or “you made me hit you” start being thrown around, in the hope to project the blame because he is unable to own himself and his actions.

Another example: when a man who thought his money is what earned him the love of a woman he would otherwise not be able to court had he been poor, suddenly wakes up one day bankrupt, his response would be to turn on his woman. He might not necessarily kill her, but he might certainly start being abusive, emotionally, financially and so forth. Why? Because he no longer has that “bargaining chip” that he believed kept the relationship alive. The bargaining chip that won him the woman.

Had he gone into the relationship with the full awareness of who he is and not go into it because he had, things might have turned out differently for him, and his partner.

I was fortunate that I had access to clinical therapy to be able to unpack some of the issues I had. And I also had men around me who helped navigate my way out of my mud. And no, church and Christianity were not the source of my untamed emotional outbursts and flawed character. I simply lacked the tools on how to deal with the “self”. And I will be honest, going deep into oneself is not easy. You will discover uncomfortable truths about yourself. But I'm glad that I have been able to go into some of those "places". What a liberating feeling it is when you are able to navigate the dark spaces of your character as a man.

I knew an old man who used to warn us about trusting a religion that only made us feel comfortable and good. True religion (read faith in God) should encourage you go into yourself and interrogate those things that make you uncomfortable. But I digress, this is not about religion. It’s about women. We are celebrating women this month.

Ever since I became active on issues of gender relations and more pointedly, women importance, my belief and understanding has always been that we will never fully realize and reclaim gender equality if men still believed women to be inferior. If men are not given the tools to fully interrogate and go into who they are, addressing all those uncomfortable truths, our fight against gender-based violence will never be won. Wife after wife and girlfriend after girlfriend will remain imprisoned in the shackles of their marriages and relationships. And as we have been seeing in the last couple of years in South Africa, grannies will also continue to be raped by their own grandsons, two month-old babies by their uncles.

For as long as we are sick, our celebration of women’s month will constantly be overshadowed by the reality that as soon as the festivities are over, when the music has quietened down, the poor South African woman will be going back to that prison hole she might occasionally call “home”.

Let’s heal our men, so that women can have the space to live meaningful, celebrated and fulfilled lives without fear.

                                             (source - www.religionnews.com)