Power

(This is the first guest post by our Guest Blogger, Sibongiseni Lefalatsa. See my introduction of Sibo here.)

I was once offered a chance to partner in a business concept I knew nothing about, with a man I hardly knew and a promise that the money would be good. Now I worked with this gentleman so it was a professional conversation and friendly. After rejecting the idea he said, “I see you are more of a worker, you’ll be working for others instead of making money”, I told him, well I don’t work for money I want Power.

Many people associate power with dominance, superiority and control and for them it’s a zero sum game. If I’m not dominating, then you are. If you’re superior, then I’m inferior and if I’m in control then you are the one being controlled. When I speak of Power I speak of something far more liberating, a process of self-knowledge, acceptance and self-respect and appreciation and the use of this self-knowledge to influence: my circumstances; my future; my relationships; my finances, basically, whatever it is that matters to me.

My grandfather, was a very interesting man, the most influential person in my life, so you’ll bear with me, many things I reflect on will relate back to him and my grandma. I lived with them everyday along with my parents, I grew up with 2 generations of couples in the same house, my grandparents and my parents and that has left a big impression on me.

My missionary-school-educated-ex-headmaster grandfather married for himself a feisty woman. It was not beyond her during an argument to tell her opponent no-matter who it is, that, “I have 2 qualifications my dear, teaching and nursing, and I studied psychology, how many qualifications do you have?”. She was also known for butting in on conversations in which she was not a recognised participant. Men coming to seek counsel from my grandfather would be shocked to hear her enter the conversation. Unfortunately, they’d make a fatal error by seeking to reprimand my gran by saying “I came to speak to the man of the house, how do you as a woman interrupt”. My grandfather, would always promptly end the conversation right there by saying, “sir you have insulted my wife and I never accept that, leave right now”. ’Nuff said.

My grandfather had the added issue of having in me his only granddaughter, yet another argumentative, fight-to-win woman. What I loved about him and why we were so close was that he always took me seriously. Our arguments about religion, politics, history, gender issues were heated and sometimes quite tough. I loved them…I’ve seldom met men who without the exertion of the force of my character take me or many other women seriously at an intellectual level. My grandfather held his own in arguments, don’t feel sorry for him, he gave back as good as he got, but if defeated, he accepted, he acknowledged a well made point, even if it didn’t convince him to change his mind and  if an argument or a point made him change his mind he would openly acknowledge it.

He was powerful like that.

 It’s funny, because of all our fiery personalities, people got scorched and it was in these instances that he exercised his power. Our family had what I’ll call a “council”, the operation of this council was taken very seriously. Any member of the family, when aggrieved by another, especially where it was an inter-generational conflict, could approach my grandfather with an official complaint. The council would assemble with every member of the household in attendance (mom, dad, my two brothers, my grandmother and myself). During the council session, the complainer would be asked by Mkhulu to state his problem. It was no holds barred let me tell you, under the protection of my grandfather a child could even accuse an adult of lying if the accusation was that an untruth had been spoken. When an adult got annoyed they’d sometimes try to interrupt while one of us children were speaking, my grandfather would always reprimand the adult by reminding them that they’d have their turn but must allow the accuser to speak. At the end of the accusation and defence, my grandfather would if required refer to some of us in attendance for our views or you could volunteer your view. Soon the truth was quickly discovered and my grandfather would give his judgement.

Whoever you are you could be found to be in the wrong and required to apologise, and the accuser who often said something in anger during the time of the incident would be reminded to remain respectful no matter the circumstances. Everyone respected and I mean everyone respected my grandfather’s final word and everyone walked away feeling justice had been done.

What point am I making by recounting this memory?

I often notice how we as people in general but particularly in my experience men, seem afraid of the power of others in our intimate relationships. I wish they could understand how much power there is in being surrounded by powerful, self-assured people, women included. Being comfortable in your own skin so that even if a person told you they are better qualified than you, you are not threatened, it’s true isn’t it, so what? True undisputed power  that rightfully belongs to you, will be given to you simply by the implementation by yourself of your self-knowledge and self-love.

My grandfather made no secret of the fact that my grandmother was more of an intellectual than he was, he would tell us so himself. My grandmother never had to pretend not to be and she is a proud woman, no one had to cut her down. He asked for help when he was in over his head. Yet those around him knew their own weaknesses and felt comfortable to admit them in the face of someone who seemed comfortable to do the same. The same feistiness and tenacity that made us academically successful could negatively affect our relationships and we knew he had the power to influence us to a point of healing.

He did that with an authority that was never questioned, no one ever told us there was a council, it just came about by operation of the fact that we as children ran to him to help us reason with adults who we believed had done us wrong or adults who felt children were being unnecessarily argumentative. We did it. His wisdom, his calm in the face of heightened emotions and his strong sense of justice meant that we trusted him with our moments of shame and torment to come to the solution. He feared no other man or woman’s power or ability and was steadfast in his own. He always used to say to us that he didn’t want us children to fear him but to respect him and we should know the difference.

Power, let’s all have it within friendships, romantic relationships and families. Let’s give it away and cultivate it in ourselves. When you find yourself fighting for it…you’ve probably already lost it.