The Democratic Republic of Fantasy

By Sibo Lefalatsa

I’m going to start my article by admitting it might be controversial, maybe you’ll feel it’s a bit harsh. At this point I wish I could say something to make you feel good about what I’m about to say, I want to do the cowardly thing and distance myself from my own words, say something that will buy me some mercy, but…no, I have no sweet or humble words to offer so here goes…

There was a time, I believe that time is still with us, when women were always cautioned against overly romanticising relationships. It was always based on the fact that the romantic books they read, the fairy tales and the movies always promised the perfect guy, who’d come along and save them from their ordinary lives and their ordinary boyfriend/s.

However of late, something has crept up on us, it seems the music videos and the church have turned the tables on ladies. Now, not from the movies, but seemingly from the pulpit, judging by how men justify their now romanticised disposition. Gentlemen are now the hopeless romantics, fantasising about non-existent women with non-existent perfection, for their non-existent promises of commitment.

Now let me see… how many Christian men do I know, who are not married and have never been married, who tell me it’s not by choice, oh no, they are ready to marry, in fact, they say, they are desperate to marry, it’s just that they just can’t compromise. Oh the dreaded word C.O.M.P.R.O.M.I.S.E, it must be a generation X and Y equivalent of ebola or the bubonic plaque.

So being married I get offended, I ask, “so you think all of us who are married are compromisers who couldn’t hold-out for the perfect one?” No, is the answer, it’s different, good ones are taken and you’re lucky you met Hape hmmm…

Can I call Bulldust! when I see it?

If this were, say, one or two guys in my circle, I’d buy that, but it is in fact the vast majority of guys, so I’ll tell you what the problem seems to be. You are looking for a perfect wife who based on listening needs at least the following credentials:

·         She must be physically beautiful and a beautiful person on the inside. So that you can show her off to your friends.

·         She must be smart, but not smarter than you.

·         She must be a go-getter and accomplished, but she must also be willing to drop all that in case you want her to stay at home and look after the kids; or

·          keep working hard if you need the double income.

·         She must work hard but essentially to help you, not primarily driven by her personal ambition which you’ll struggle to control;

·         She must be the woman you can introduce to your work peers with pride and she must fit in “back home”.

I’m not sure if I’m the first person to tell you this but I have got news for you, the abovementioned woman, she doesn’t exist, just like you are not all those things either. It’s not God’s ability to make “good enough women” that I’m questioning, it’s your ability to accept the perfection that lies in two imperfect people trying to build a life together that they and their children can be proud of.

When I met my husband and realised that this relationship was headed in that direction, I asked my mom, how would I know I had met the right one. She said, “he should be a good person”.

Sounds too simple? Oh I’ve read from books and heard from the pulpit that he should also have money, and he must be strong protector type and a provider blah, blah, blah. I’ve had moments during our 7 years married, I’ve wondered whether this match is the right match, maybe I should’ve been more careful to pick someone more like me and I’ve counted the things I feel I’ve lost because I was married to him, but my mother was right.

 I think what my mother knew I would realise in time was that a good person, never wants to hurt or offend, even though he certainly will. A good person has their own dreams but never wants to harm yours, so you have to trust each other’s intentions because sometimes you can’t both achieve your dreams at the same time, but a good person appreciates the sacrifices of the other and is prepared to step back when it’s his turn to take a back seat. He doesn’t feel entitled to other people’s sacrifices. A good person is a person you can reason with, you can argue with, the one you can admit to the many ways you are sometimes arrogant, selfish, even mean, they will know to correct you when you are wrong and you will feel grateful for it, not ashamed and I’ll do the same for him.

A good person sees goodness in you even when increasingly you see the ugliness in yourself. Life, it has its moments and the bells and whistles of wealth, good looks, jobs, prestige, they have their value and they are important in their own ways but to experience them in the company of someone who is essentially on your team, who in your gut you know when you hurt they hurt is quite something. What is more romantic than that can I ask? You’ll work out the other stuff as you go along.

Can we cut the dramatic tales of frustrated searches for the non-compromise? No one needs to prove anything to you or meet your made-up standards.

I believe if you meet someone who falls in love with you round about the same time you fall in love with them and you trust their intentions of goodness towards you and they trust your intentions of goodness towards them, that’s a miracle, the appreciation of which must be declared to the world. I mean throw away the abovementioned shopping list and get married.

The drama, it comes with the ride, it’s the mere function of you both being imperfect, you can’t fix that. The prospect of defeat, it might not last forever that’s true, in fact more frighteningly, you, might be the one that doesn’t want it to last. Well isn’t that the case with everything you’re doing? Work, friendships, business, children, you don’t stop doing those things.

I close with this prayer for my people. Let us all put on our big girl and big boy undies and trust ourselves to handle the ups and downs of trying to build something, why can’t we be the Proverbs 31 [Wo]Man and “look to the future with confidence” so that we can appreciate and honour the perfection that we already have around us?